Hello folks I’ve just come back from a lovely vacation, so you all know what time it is. That’s right, it’s time for me to regale you with stories of my holiday. Don’t worry, I took plenty of pictures so you won’t miss out on a thing. I decided not to book my holiday through Teletext like last year and instead booked my trip through Cameraman-4 from that lovely L4D Maps place. They sent me on one of their custom adventure tours around Blood Hospital for three days at such a bargain, though admittedly I did have to share the trip with three other people. The brochure they gave me said:
“Chaos has broke out around the hospital leaving the survivors with one goal… Eliminate the undead and escape!”
Oh ho! Sounded like a riveting adventure, just my cup of tea. I immediately packed my bags, packing only the essentials; pistol, uzi and a medkit. I hurried out to the airport which was quite the dilemma I tell you. Apparently they were having some sort of zombie emergency but I find it’s always like that nowadays. Though that’s quite normal, I bet you’ve all been there. So to cut a long story short I managed to get us all on a plane if we just helped out with the refueling. Needless to say I was quite pooped by the time we were in the air. I slept the entire journey and woke up already in our room in Bloody Hospital.
Day 1
Our accommodation was cramped to say the least
Oh yes there are all the other people on the tour with me. There’s Zoey on the left, sweet young girl but I never did get most the references she made. That’s Bill’s back, he seems grouchy but he’s a lovely dear really. And Louis is shying away from the camera, ah bless. We had barely unpacked before the thrill of the vacation took a firm hold of us, even though it was the dead of night we decided to be cheeky and have a wander around the hospital. No time like the present like they always say.
Ooh the thrill of the unknown, like that stain on the ceiling
What greeted us as we stepped out into our adventure holiday was a little underwhelming. I didn’t really envision a series of dark, plain corridors. I knew it was night time but it was so dark that our little torches were the only illumination we had, which made reloading a nightmare I tell you. We pressed on regardless, determined to get to the real meat of Bloody Hospital. We trudged on ahead, clearing the path of the riff raff zombies. Eventually we came across the toilets. “Oh,” I thought, “what a timing. I was dying to go.”
Such strange customs, they keep pills in theirs
Needless to say I decided against using that lavatory. We pressed on ahead through the overly dark corridors, slowly snaking our way to . . well hopefully to somewhere brighter! We finally came upon an impasse, our path being completely blocked by fire. Luckily for us I came upon the solution. Being the lateral thinker I am, I turned on the sprinklers. Although this riled up those pesky zombies something rotten, it was as if they were preserving that water for some special occasion. Anyway we had to mow them all down. I would have pictures but I was afraid of my camera getting wet. Well it was from one dilemma to another from there on in.
Don’t worry love I have something that’ll get that right out
Well what can I say? I told Zoey not to get too close to that chubby local and what happens? He explodes all over her. Aw look at her face there, though she brought it on herself. I don’t know who I’m more annoyed with really, Zoey for being so headstrong or that fat fellow for showing such a lack of etiquette. We had to continue on in the darkness for the rest of the night with that horrid stink. Just remembering it sends shivers down my spine. I blame that fat man’s poor diet, probably constantly eating fast food. That’s what fast food does to you. Makes you explode. That’s why I only ever eat fresh organic food.
Honestly who left those there
My colleagues commented on what a stroke of luck it was to find some weaponry just laying around. Really now, it’s only by a stroke of luck that I didn’t trip on those blasted things and break my hip. Some comfort that automatic shotgun will be when I’m lying on the floor with my back out. It’s a health and safety issue is what it is. A person could sue if they we so inclined, but you know me I never like to make a fuss. Not like those local zombies we kept running into, constantly gargling their silly language at us and getting upset at the slightest provocation. Oh! You couldn’t do anything without angering the horde! Just look at these.
All I did was look at that ammo pile!
Well he’s the one you all should be angry at!
Honestly now all I did was grab some unattended ammo for myself, I mean I was running low what else should I have done? Was it that I didn’t leave a tip? I’m sorry but I just don’t believe in tipping for poor service. And that smoker was such a drama queen, all I did was blow up his fat friend. I mean after the Zoey incident I wasn’t going to have my clothes ruined as well. I mean honestly they can’t think about others can they? The chubby man had to die to save me disgrace and a dry cleaning bill!
Ahh finally
As you can see, we finally did make it to our lodgings that night. It was quite the troublesome day I can tell you, and all we got to see were a series of dark corridors and a few too many pesky zombies. As you can guess I was already mentally composing a rather stern, yet polite letter to LFD Maps, here’s what I had by the end of day one;
Dear Mr. Cameraman-4,
I am writing to you concerning this so-called ‘holiday’ you sent me on. Is there such a thing as lighting here? I nearly tripped on several occasions! This was not what was promised to me earlier.
If the following days do not improve then I’m afraid I will have to ask for reimbursement. Hopefully someone will turn on a light or two!
Yours Truly,
Idlehands
I’m actually quite pooped, I’ve only just back from vacation you know. I do believe I will have a quick nap and then I will have the energy to tell you all about the other two days of my trip. I have many more pictures and anecdotes to tell you, don’t you worry.
