Sure, while playing through the Left 4 Dead campaigns with your chums a zombie apocalypse seems like its all fun and games. However, a zombies uprising is a very real threat, one we must take seriously. When the zombies come, it won’t matter how much fun you and your buddies had blasting your way through the No Mercy finale, what will matter is what you learned. So I think it would be beneficial for us to review what Left 4 Dead has taught us about surviving the Zombopocalypse.
Zombies love Irony
How many times have you said “sounds like a Hunter” and walked away completely unscathed? Zero. Mentioning a Special Infected basically seals your fate in Left 4 Dead. Mention a Hunter? Ten second later you’re a one-man buffet. See a Smoker? Might as well tie yourself up and drag yourself away. Try to shoot a Boomer before he gets to you? Congratulations, you just rang the Horde’s dinner bell. And if you hear the Tank’s grunting before the music starts, well, I’m not cleaning up the mess.
So how does this help us in a real-life scenario? Simple, be completely ignorant of any warning signs. The zombies hordes will sit in the shadows waiting for you to same something along the lines of “this room looks clear” while you waltz right through. If you are traveling with companions and one of them says “all clear” or “looks safe”, fight off the ensuing horde, then shoot your companion in the face for being an idiot. Also, this is a valid strategy for dealing with people who fall for the Hunter-sitting-on-car trap in Versus.
People with Serious Heath Issues get Superpowers
Let’s take a look at the Special Infected for a moment. Notice something odd? That’s right, they all are seriously unhealthy people, both physically and, in some cases, mentally. The Smoker probably had a terrible cigarette addiction prior to the infection. The Boomer is morbidly obese, the Tank pumps steroids. And the Witch, don’t even get me started. She must be the poster-child for teen depression and anorexia. The Hunter, while not technically unhealthy is totally trying to pull off the “gangsta” look with that hoodie. In my book, gangstas are a disease. There, I said it. What does this all teach us? Well clearly anyone that is seriously unwell before the apocalypse will become superpowered mutants!
Apparently, the Smoker also has some sort of cancer, judging by the tumors on his face.
By now you are probably asking how you should prevent the unhealthy people you know from becoming crazed, flesh-eating mutants. Should you try to get your depressed teen daughter to see a psychologist? Get your alcoholic brother to join AA? I guess those could be potential answers, but I’ve got a simpler solution. Just kill them off now. Sure, some may call it “inhumane” and “sick”, but I prefer to think of it as “a preemptive strike against the zombie masses”. Besides, psychologists these days are expensive.
Reality is a Schrodinger Box
In Left 4 Dead, zombies can come at you from any direction, including rooms you already swept clean. The basic rule I use while playing is “there is a zombie everywhere you aren’t looking at”. Or, to simplify things; there may or may not be a zombie in any given area, unless you are looking at said area you can’t be sure. Sound familiar? A couple of times, I’ve glanced into rooms to see they were empty, looked away, then turned to enter the previously unpopulated room only to find a crowd of zombies.
Why is he trying to escape? I dunno, maybe the zombies! Thanks to icanhascheezburger.com
So what does this tidbit of information translate into in the real-world? Well… nothing. Unless of course the zombie apocalypse is actually a quantum physics experiment gone wrong. Maybe someone was trying to see what would happen if they made the planet into a Schrodinger Box but instead of poison used a disease that turned people into zombies. The entire thing was probably engineered aliens! Of course, if that is the case, having read this won’t help you. After all, your planet is being attacked by zombies and aliens!
