We zombies have a long history. Throughout our long and illustrious history, we have always possessed insane numbers, an overwhelming desire to eat humans, and the ability to convert humans into zombiekind.
I, myself, have witnessed many of the great events in the history of Zombiekind. I dug out some old bloody pictures, cleaned them with my zombie hands, and included them.
The Epic of Gilgamesh (2100 BC)
The first of our kind were created by the god Ishtar over 4700 years ago, during the reign of the Sumerian king Gilgamesh. With these words, as noted in the Epic of Gilgamesh, Ishtar created our kind for the first time:
I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,
I will smash the door posts, and leave the doors flat down,
And will let the dead go up to eat the living!
And the dead will outnumber the living!
From then on, we were constantly in the minds of the living. The living feared us.
Wolfenstein 3D (1992)
4100 years after the events of the Epic of Gilgamesh, we returned, this time in pixelated form. In Wolfenstein 3D, some generic action hero was entrusted the task of killing us. Oh, and Nazis, too. There were Nazis. I’ve included a picture of me back in 1992! Who says that aging decreases beauty? I think I look a lot better today, honestly. Right? OK, moving on.
House of the Dead (1996)
Okay, okay. I’ll admit I don’t look great here (I’m the guy on the right). However, even back in 1996, we zombies managed to die with a lot of blood and gore! Whenever I die, I always make sure to die with as much blood as possible. The picture above shows my friend as he tries to make a cool-looking death. However, he’s not quite as good as me when it comes to making a spectacular death. No offense to him, obviously. 
Half-Life 1 (1998), Half-Life 2 (2004)
This must have been the first time that the exact mechanism of zombification was explained in any game. In the Half-Life series, headcrabs latch on to brains and control their human hosts. It actually explained, for once, why headshots kill zombies. Hell, I really liked that. Half-Life gave me some explanation for my existence. Plus, I really liked the feeling of headcrabs on my head. It kind of tickled my reanimated nervous system.
Shortly before my picture was taken, I bought a lovely pair of Levis, but then they got completely bloodstained. Other than that, I like my appearance in HL2 better - I’m definitely way more stylish. It really matches the zombie image, I think.
Dead Rising (2006)
Wow, zombies. So many of them. The sheer number of zombies always amazes me.
Anyway - this is 2006’s Dead Rising, which pits one guy vs. the US special forces vs. Zombiekind. It’s in a mall, this time around. The guy kills us with 2×4s, cash registers, and - get this - even CD’s.
Eh, doesn’t matter. We turned him into a zombie by the end of the game. Zombies - 1, Humans - 0! Ah, all’s well that ends well.
Left4Dead (2008)
Ah, that’s it. By this time, I’ve really settled into my prime. Not only do I look hideous, I have little bulbous sacs growing out of my eyes, and I have a GOITER! Hell, I can even throw up zombie-attracting gastric juice. Trust me, there’s no higher honor for a zombie than to barf on people. Even better, my death is the goriest death possible! Seriously, I blow up and spray blood and bile everywhere! Oh, man. Left4Dead is quite possibly the highest honor for a zombie like me. Good stuff.
Hold on a second…
But wait! I’ve died multiple times in all these games! How is it that I keep coming back?
Simple - never underestimate the power of the uncreative game developer! The uncreative game developer is the master zombie of us all - besides the fact that they have all their life forces sapped by deadlines, keep in mind that they’re pretty infectious.
Hell, you’re infected, too. The very fact that you’re reading this implies that you have been convinced or maybe possessed to buy the same old, formulaic, zombie-killing junk! Shame on you.
Anyway, if you want me, I’ll be playing the hell out of the L4D demo for the next few days until it expires (WHY MUST YOU BE SO CRUEL, VALVE, TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T YET ACTUALLY BOUGHT THE GAME?).
